Getting Messages on Spanking/Fetish Sites

I know lots of people don't agree with me on message etiquette. There are many people who think that every message that you get on a spanking or fetish site should be responded to as the polite thing to do. I don't agree. For one thing, almost all the sites require that you have some sort of profile when you join. It doesn't mean you have a personal ad out there where you are actively seeking partners. I fill in information so people can get an idea of who I am, not necessarily because I am seeking a spanking partner. So many people seem to act as if by having a profile you have an ad out there and then get pissy if you aren't interested or you are somehow wasting their time. I have never gotten the logic that spanking sites are only for people actively seeking partners. I'm also not a spanking model so I'm not trying to not insult a potential fan/market base and so need to be sure I am polite to anyone and everyone.

Some messages don't deserve responses. Some messages don't even WANT a response unless you are taking them up an offer. Some messages are flat out spam that has been sent to every female in a certain category, regional area, or any other sort of weird "cast your net" criteria. It's not like time and effort has been put into trying to get to know anyone personally, the strategy is to send out as many of the same message to as many women as you possibly can and hopefully someone will respond.

When I get genuine messages where the person has obviously read my profile and got a sense of what I'm about and responds in kind then I am more than happy to respond. I do admit that I sometimes procrastinate on it. I get nervous if the person is too geographically close to me and might be pushing for meeting right off the bat. I also tend to get nervous if the person is into things that are way out of my comfort zone. I'm not interested in just meeting random strangers who happen to be into spanking. I'm sensitive to any sort of pushiness. My walls are high and rigidly constructed and it takes time to scale them. I'm a skittish girl. Also, some of the sites I'm registered to, I don't go to that often so a message I run across might be a month old before I see it.

Then there are messages from people who have read your profile, don't share your interests or have any sort of common footing at all, but are still just hoping that maybe you just didn't mention a hidden fetish of running off and having secret illicit sex with a married man (who lives hundreds of miles away) and so they message you anyway. I'm never quite sure how to respond to these when I get them (and I admit it isn't often since I don't live somewhere where there are tons of other people who are active on these sites). The person shows knowledge of having actually read my profile and says they know I probably won't be interested. I'll probably end up responding just because they actually read the profile. Not sure what I'll say though - something short and sweet. Polite, but not encouraging. Hopefully I'll think of something. I tend to blather on - short and sweet is hard for me!

Some messages just bug me. I hate, hate, HATE when someone messages me to tell me to contact them on YIM. Why the hell should I? Why would I want to? What's wrong with the in-house system where you are trying to meet me? Why would I wander off instantly with you somewhere else? Maybe it doesn't bug other people, but it does me. I just delete those. Other messages just irritate me because of the way they are written. The person could be perfectly nice, but I just really don't like text speak or the whole bizarre capitalization thing (eg. O/our). I find it so irritating that I literally can't read it - I can't concentrate on what is actually being written because I am so focused on that irritation. That may well be just a fault within me, but it is there. I don't like it. I find it irritating to read. So, I don't.

Who knows, maybe there is some club out there for people who need a support group because I've deleted their messages without responding. Most likely though, they never even noticed I didn't.

Spanking is a luxury

In my life spanking definitely falls in the category of a luxury item. In order to get it, it costs money (travel, time away from work, etc.). There isn't a local spanking scene and the closest place where one could reasonably be found is the nearest large city (where I don't know of any spankos anyhow), but it is still several hours away. I don't have a partner, vanilla or otherwise who will spank. Spanking for me is a personal and private thing that I don't just share with people in my vanilla life. (my co-workers do not need to know!)

Right now I'm having a really hard time with just life in general. I've been battling the flu and missed a couple of weeks of work. I also fell on the ice/snow and hurt my ankle quite badly while I was sick and attempting to go to work anyhow. My budget is a tight one. I used to have a few hundred dollars leeway every month and could afford small luxuries. I could put aside money for trips to go to spanking events once a year. Then my car got stolen and I had to buy a new one. This wasn't a luxury item -- it is a necessity as the bus system here is pretty much non-existent and it's more expensive to taxi it about. With the new car, my insurance also increased substantially. I've had to cancel all my payments into my retirement savings (RRSPs) which I have only recently even started because I've never been able to afford it. It's a scary thing as I have no retirement savings and I'm over 40 and I've had to stop the payments in it. Even at that, the budget is tight, tight, tight - so tight it squeaks if it moves.

Then I got ill and missed a couple of weeks work. I don't get paid for being sick. Now the already tight budget isn't just tight anymore, it came crashing down on my head. There isn't money to pay for the stuff that must be paid, let alone luxury items like food. I've been trying so hard to do the weight watchers, eat a healthy lifestyle thing, but right now I'm reduced to putting peanut butter on anything I can find that is peanut-butterable, ramen noodles, bread, and eggs -- the cheap things. These things aren't very diet friendly and are calorie dense. I'm not really fond of starving either. The healthy foods I have been eating are now out of my budget (which is basically zero for food for the next while).

I've stopped putting aside the little bit of vacation money I was saving from each pay cheque (just $50 a pay cheque). I've stopped the retirement savings (which will reduce the income tax refund I get substantially, so no reprieve in February with that anymore). I've slashed back everything I can, but kept the internet (which is my only form of entertainment). It's all rather depressing and I thought I had passed this part of life years ago. Revisiting it was not in my plans.

I'm trying to steel myself for the fact that I most likely will not be able to attend the FMS in June. If I can't afford food, I'm not sure how I could swing that. It's an expensive trip. The hotel in Florida is expensive, airfare is expensive. Overall, it's an expensive trip. A lot of fun and I've never begrudged the cost of it, but it IS expensive. I'm trying to hold on to hope that Savannah in October will still be remotely possible. I probably shouldn't be worrying about that, but I've gotten used to being able to make my yearly trip and sample the joys of spanking. It's really depressing to think that it may not be possible any more. It makes it hard to go to spanking blogs, hear about friends getting spanked and enjoying their spankoness. I have an envious nature. It's not that I'm not happy for them having that, it's that I'm more unhappy about me not having it than I am happy for them having it. I'm evil that way. It's also been something to look forward to - that secret part of me that I let out once a year to explore.

On top of all this, I worry about Christmas. I have no budget for presents (and I only buy 4).
Also, my dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer. He's had 2 surgeries and one 6-week course of treatment on the bladder after surgery and it's recurred both times he's gone back for a new scope. Now his only option is to have the bladder removed. This is scary. His surgery is scheduled for mid-December and he'll likely be in hospital over Christmas. I'm scared there is something worse that is causing it to recur. I can't even afford to go back. The only reason I am going is because my mom was able to use her airmiles to get my ticket (my work is closed between Christmas and New Years so I'm not missing any time there).

All this is going on and I am still selfishly depressed over having to cut out spanking stuff. I guess it's more the cutting out the one bright spot on the horizon that I look forward to than anything else. All in all, things are just tough for me right now and not looking like they'll be better any time soon.

So, that is what has been up with me. Spanking is a luxury and one that right now I can't afford.

Just mumbling...

I've been sick this past week - killer sore throat, swollen glands, fever, nausea. Thankfully it hasn't been in my respiratory system. I kept my germy self at home and slept, slept, slept and slept some more. Some days I slept 20 hours! I've been living on a diet of rice cakes, pretzels and tea because anything else would just flare up the nausea. So it hasn't been the best of weeks for me. Of course on the financial front, missing a week of work is very bad as my budget is pretty tight and I just had to buy snow tires for my car (plus of course I took that extra trip to the US this year). So, I'll probably be stressed out for the foreseeable future.

Of course, when I'm feeling down in one area, I tend to start feeling down and negative about every other area too, which then leads to my never-ending pondering on my so-called spanking inadequacies (hence the last 2 blog posts in that vein). I know I do it to myself and I'm really not looking for "iggy we love you" although occasionally it's nice to hear even though you know I'll be thinking "Yeah, they're just saying that to be nice!" I'm so disagreeable sometimes!

My diet efforts haven't been great the last while and if I don't actually lose weight while I haven't been able to eat I'm going to be ticked. Of course I don't have any spanking plans until far into the future so I have nothing really to look forward to on that front which is a big bummer and gives me lots of time to start feeling even more insecure about my "spankoness".

Part of it is just me, I'm always going to be that way, I think. I bet if I got spanked every single day I'd still be analyzing it all to death and coming up with negative conclusions.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about spanking games. I know I used the word "game" in my post about not being able to be contrite. I didn't mean it like an actual game, but more as in "not a serious spanking" or just "this thing we do". I'm not a big fan of games in general -- probably this is because I'm a really bad loser. I don't like to lose and it isn't fun for me if I lose. I've got a bit of a competitive streak in me which is a bad thing when you tend to suck at sports! I know in childhood somewhere it got ingrained in me that if you can't win it isn't worth doing and I took lots of flack over not being good at sports because this was important to my dad. I also got stuck playing soccer for about 10 years past the point of it being fun for me because my dad was the manager of the team and I had to endure many hours of lectures on how I should be the best player on the team and not the worst. Really, it was so bad that despite playing soccer for 11 years I no longer remember the rules of the game. It's blanked out.

So, I tend to avoid games because, to me, they are just more stressful than they are fun and there is a loud voice in my head that says "if you aren't the best then you shouldn't play and you are worthless". Yes, I realize that this isn't a voice I should listen to, but sometimes stuff that gets ingrained in you when you are young is really hard to move past even when you KNOW it's irrational and not true. So, it's hard for me to relax and just enjoy a game for a game's sake. Obviously not everyone likes games, but I'm particularly bad at liking them and honestly it isn't fair to subject others to me being pissy because a stupid game didn't go my way.

Sometimes I think this is related to my difficulty in giving up control. I'm funny about control. I really do NOT want to be the person officially in charge and have all that stress, but I'm bossy enough to want to be making all my views known behind the scenes. At the same time, I don't seem to want to get exactly what I want ALL the time (just most of the time). I want what I say and think to be important. As for anyone who gives in to me all the time - well I tend to start to think less of them over time. It's a hard position to put other people into.

I had a real nice boyfriend in high school and university. I ended up breaking up with him over this issue. I didn't know WHY I felt the way I did, but I just knew that every time he didn't stand up to me or looked to me to make all the decisions all the time, that I liked him less (not as a person, but as a partner for ME). Honestly, sometimes I wish I was different as he was the only really decent person I have ever dated. This looking for someone to push back tends to end up with me picking an abusive jerk and having my psyche screwed up a bit more each time.

I run into this in the spanking world too (with regards to control, not abusive jerks although I know they are out there too). I'm terrified to give up too much control to a spanker. I have noticed that I seem able to push my boundaries with a certain type of spanker much more easily than with others. I tend to respond to a more quiet and calming sort of dominance much better than the pushy type. I can't feel like I have no control or I panic. It's like the key to letting go is being secure in the knowledge that I have it and being led in a direction that I really want to go without me realizing I'm being taken there. Not sure if that accurately describes it or not.

Anyhow, I'm weird.

More obsessing about spanking

I've been thinking a lot about my last blog post - read: obsessing. I've been trying to figure out why this is bothering me so much right now. I even posted it over on my favourite forum so I could think about it some more.

I think part of it is that I can't ever just leave well enough alone - I have to pick at it until it starts bleeding and keep on picking at it. I go to a spanking event, I have fun and I just can't let it be. After it's all over, those doubts start to creep back in and I become convinced that I'm annoying and I irritate people, or that I am just not fun to be around, and of course , the ever-present "worst spanko on the planet" thing. I see a pet peeve and I become convinced that it's about me when I can see myself in it and I become convinced that I'm just tolerated and don't really fit in. Yes, yes...I do realize my self-esteem and self-confidence sucks.

More than that, though, I think part of what is bugging me is that I really think I'm a very selfish spankee. It's all about me: my limits, what I'm comfortable with, what implements I want used, the amount of control I want to give up (which so far is very little), how *I* want a spanking to go. I'm keenly aware, however, that there is another half to a spanking encounter - the spanker. He has his preferences too and it seems, to me, that even little simple things that should be no big deal ARE with me. So then I fear that the spanker gets nothing out of an encounter with me. In general I'm not really a super selfish person. I like others to have a good time and have their needs met too, so I fear that in the spanking world I'm not letting this happen because I have so many issues regarding spanking. How can it be fun for a spanker to walk through that land-field when chances are he isn't going to get what he wants out of it at the end of all that?

I know I'm obsessing. I just don't want to be that spankee that everyone hates because she is so selfish and self-centred, yet I fear I am. I always feel like I never fit in and that there is just something wrong with me. Anyhow, I'll fret on it some more I'm sure.

Bad Bottom - Can't play the spanking game

In some ways I think I really suck at being a bottom. There are certain accepted standards of the way a spanking scenario should go at its very basic level.

1. Spanking is "earned" (either real or playfully)
2. Spanking is decided upon as course of "correction"
3. There may or may not be some protestations and struggle (physical or verbal)
4. Spankee gives in
5. Spanking occurs
6. Spankee expresses remorse (real or playful)
7. Spanking ends, all is forgiven...hugs and all that aftercare stuff

Rinse and repeat

I do OK through step 5. It's step 6 where I begin to struggle.

Todd, over at American Spanking Society made a comment over on Richard Windsor's blog on one of Rich's insightful rants (Rich's rants are among my favourite blog posts) about bratting and the spanking process. I'd link to the comment directly, but can't figure out how to do it, if I even can. I hope he doesn't mind me copying and pasting it here:

Moving on… I TOTALLY agree with you about over the top bratting. I could probably write a really long post on the subject, but a quick pet peeve… I enjoy the bratting game because it leads to something I very much enjoy (giving a brat a spanking). HOWEVER, once said spanking has been give… it is time to *back off*.

I’ve literally spanked a girl for her bratty misdeed and then the moment she is off my lap… she immediately brats me again. uhhh… hello… where do I go with that? I’ve tried spanking again, but once a brat is on that trend… a second spanking usually doesn’t work. And if I really let her have it… ie, a hard spanking… that can get a spankee pretty pissy.

A tip for spankees… part of the bratting game is ~learning your lesson~ after your spanking. At least for a little while. If you start making it an endless game… there isn’t much I can do but ignore your bratting.

I believe I am totally guilty of this. In fact, I know I am. I know when something strikes me as funny and I get into that mode of sassing, that I'll keep going at it (unless I think I'm seriously annoying the person, then I'd feel bad). I also have a problem with saying certain things. Sometimes I think too concretely in black and white and not in shades of grey. I won't apologize for something I'm not sorry for.

For me, if I say I'm sorry and won't do something again, then either I mean it or I'm lying. So if I say "I am sorry and I won't do that again" then chances are I am going to try really hard NOT to do that again since I said I wouldn't. This can sort of mess with the whole "spanking game" process where the spankee says they are sorry and apologizes and the spanking ends -- only in most cases, the spankee has no intention of following through with the promise of "being good" since it's all part of the game. (Obviously this isn't for real discipline situations, but just in the realm of fun spankings or role plays and the sort).

I totally fail at this. At my first FMS a friend of mine made me promise during a spanking that I wouldn't talk about something anymore. That was a couple of years ago and I haven't done it since. The best I could do was get someone ELSE to do it instead...but I promised not to do it, so I haven't. Honestly, that probably wasn't his intention, but I get into that whole black/white area and I get myself convinced that if I did it anyhow he'd hate me even though he probably wouldn't or that he'd think I was just a big liar. I can get quite anxious over it since, to me, if I say I won't do something, and then I wilfully go ahead and do it anyhow, then I lied. The whole thing causes me anxiety.

I've always been this way too. Even as a kid I wouldn't apologize for something I wasn't sorry for. My mom once wanted me to apologize for saying something, but I meant it. Maybe I was sorry that I said it out loud, but it was a true and accurate account for how I felt and I wasn't going to apologize and take it back. Like I said, on some things I can be too rigid on and there are no grey areas. Obviously this causes problems.

This is where I have problems with honorifics too. I can not use titles like "Sir" or "Master" because I don't think the person is any better than I am so I'm not going to elevate them artificially. I also don't bandy about words like "love" frequently either because to me it has a deep meaning and I won't use it lightly. Like I say, sometimes I struggle with the grey areas and can be too rigid and concrete.

In the spanking world, this really puts me at a handicap for the whole spanking game. Spankers want to hear remorse in order to close out a scene. Being contrary, I don't want to give something I don't mean...in fact, even if I want to do it, I can't really get the words out without feeling great guilt about lying. At the SSC when Todd was trying to get me to apologize for something, I asked him if he wanted me to lie. He said, "yes!". So, having gotten permission to lie I was able to say the remorse part. Really I wasn't remorseful at all because whatever I was getting spanked for was really funny! But I couldn't do the remorse part without getting permission to lie first.

I don't think I do the toning it down afterwards and being contrite thing very well either. Somehow I really struggle with the whole, letting the spanker think he's won, thing because really *I* like to win all the time. I am probably guilty of starting up again much too soon after a spanking. It's bad enough that I get mouthier the more I get spanked, which is just bizarre, but it's something I discovered at the FMS this year. The harder I got spanked and the closer I approached my limits and NEEDING it to end, it seemed that the mouthier and sassier I got. I'm weird. I'm sure this makes it difficult for spankers to deal with me. I'm sure it makes spankers not WANT to deal with me. I suck at the whole spanking game and the rules by which it is played.

Of course, then I feel guilty for being so contrary and difficult and I feel guilty for being a bad bottom. How come it's so much easier for everyone else?

Love our Lurkers Day IV

Bonnie, over at My Bottom Smarts invites bloggers to participate in an annual "Love our Lurkers Day" event. That day is today!!

ALL HAIL THE LURKERS!!!!

On this day, spanko bloggers far and wide pay homage to the their faithful lurkers -- those people who do not comment on the blogs, but nevertheless stop by and read. Lurkers are people too and important to our community! This day is for you!!

So, if you feel like popping your head out of the lurker woodpile, please feel free to do so and say "Hi". I only bite on Tuesdays. *wink*


I've sort of been lurking myself on my own blog. I've not felt like writing since I got back from TN. I'm still a bit in the dumps, but I'm working through it. I'm hoping to blog on something soon. Hopefully I haven't waited too long to write about my TN experiences...if I even remember them it's been so long!

Post Party Drop

I didn't think it was going to hit me, but it hit me hard this afternoon.

Funny how you can go from such a high to such a low so quickly. This too shall pass, but in the mean time I feel bad. I guess that's the price of admission.

*sigh*

Back from the SSC

Well, I just got back from the SSC spanking party. I had such a good time. Good people, good times, lovely area, and good spankings by talented Tops. Can't beat that combination. It was a wonderful mix of people. Lots of laughter and lots and lots of spankings.

Sometimes I surprise myself and this party was one of them. My very first spanking at the SSC was from R and it was 3 strokes of a mean, nasty genuine Asian school cane. I'm a girl who is scared of canes and was never ever trying them! So how the heck did I wind up hearing myself say "ok"??? It was only 3 strokes, and not horribly wicked ones, but it sure still stung!

Had a couple of nice sessions with the Canadian Prison Strap too and while I didn't go as hard as everyone else, I only went a little bit lighter than the other girls - so yay me! I'm impressed.

I have a nicely bruised bum (I'm pretty sure from the prison strap). The bruising isn't nearly as bad as the horrible bruising I had after the FMS, but I am pretty sure I'll be using the Arnica gel for a while yet.

Just Waiting

Just waiting and getting ready to leave for the airport to start my trek down South to Gatlinburg!

I'm all packed, showered and dressed. Just need to do my hair and brush my teeth and then head to the airport. Luckily it's a small airport so only one flight will be going out and it's only a 7 minute drive so I don't need to leave hours before my flight. Usually I still get there way too early and am bored til things start happening.

I have my reading material. I've obsessively been checking flight statuses (and for the past week). Scary moment because yesterday's Seattle to Chicago flight was delayed by over 2 hours and so it missed the connecting flight to Knoxville by a good hour. That better not happen to ME!!! Other than that, the flights have all been on-time or slightly early for the past week, so that's good. Weather seems good at this end so hopefully some smooth flights. I have 4 of them so nice flights would be very much appreciated.

The flights are all packed. Booooooo. I was hoping that at least the Seattle to Chicago one would be lighter since that's the red eye, but nope...gonna be like a sardine can. Blah.

I'm nervous about traveling, but that's par for the course.

Passport...check...can't forget that...don't think I'm forgetting anything else, but I probably am. I ended up grabbing MORE panties to stuff in my luggage (I couldn't possibly even come close to wearing them all).

I think this is going to be a blast!!!

I'll try and blog about it all when I get back (no promises, bad blogger that I am).

Diet & Discipline

When I went the FMS Beach Party for some spanking fun this summer, I ended up discussing the diet group with Todd & Suzy from the American Spanking Society. They have a spanking diet group and it seems to work for some people.

Now, let me say this, I am most definitely not a discipline girl. I don't crave it, want it or fantasize about discipline spankings. Sure there is an element to it that is sexy as hell, but I think it's more the actual dynamic than the real discipline that I find appealing. I don't want to be disciplined. I fear it. In my mind's eye I immediately jump to the most horrific discipline scene imaginable, like judicial canings and stuff like that. Rationally I know that it doesn't have to be that way, but whoever said I was rational all the time? So discipline is just something I fear - a lot.

Also, to me, spanking is something I equate with fun, friends and good times. It's not a dark and scary place. I do fear that a discipline spanking might turn me off spanking entirely. Plus, I'm super sensitive and get my feelings hurt very easily. Someone punishing me for not being thin enough could very well be a recipe for disaster. Yes, I realize that isn't what I'd really be being punished for...but it IS how my mind would interpret it anyhow.

So I was really shocked when I was giving serious consideration to the whole spanking diet thing. Sometimes I surprise myself. Mainly I was looking for a bit of accountability. It's easy for me to slough something off and procrastinate on it until the end of time. I'm talented that way. Having to send Todd & Suzy my goals and report in once a week with my progress - PLUS have my progress posted on their blog for the masses to see seemed like a good motivational tool. I really didn't want to contemplate the whole actual discipline side of things -- especially when I likely wouldn't see Todd & Suzy for months (up to a year). Things could really rack up in that time. The thought of that makes me ill. Not that I think Todd is a sadistic sort of guy, but the thought of it still freaks me out (and not in a good way).

My thinking has been, "avoid the discipline spanking". So far so good. I'm determined not to let Todd get me! Honestly, the accountability factor has helped. Just knowing I have to send my progress reports in and they'll be posted has, so far, kept me in check in spite of some battles on the way that normally would have made me cave in on the whole diet thing.

I know that in some ways I'm lucky because I live by myself. Any food that comes into the house is brought by me. I don't have to have temptations laying around in my fridge and cupboard because I have to feed others. You'd think that would make losing weight a snap, but I've been struggling with it for 8 years (since I quit smoking) and losing that battle, so I obviously needed some other type of help.

To date, I'm down 20 pounds since I started the diet and down 23 total since the FMS (somehow I lost 3 pounds on vacation - go figure). You'd think things would show and I'd be down a clothing size, but I'm not. The changes are subtle. My necklace hangs a bit lower, my medic alert bracelet is looser and annoying me because I wear it on the same wrist as my watch. My shoes are a bit looser. I don't anticipate walking into a room and having people gasp, "OMG look how loose her medic alert bracelet is!"

I know there are changes. I have a skirt, we'll call it "evil skirt that only fit when I bought it" or ESTOFWIBI for short. ESTOFWIBI fit great when I bought it a couple of weeks before the 2008 FMS beach party. I packed it up and it was all ready for my vacation. When I got to Florida and went to wear it, the damn thing was too big. Not just slightly loose but still wearable, but way too damn big and there's no way I can wear this because it is gaping like crazy at the waist. So I never got to wear it. Well I'd gained back all the weight I'd lost since the 2008 FMS by the 2009 beach party so I though I'd try on ESTOFWIBI and see if I could use it that year. It was way too small! I couldn't do up the button or the zipper. Stupid skirt!

So, I've been using ESTOFWIBI as sort of a gauge of my progress. ESTOFWIBI has gone from way too small, to fitting, to getting loose again. As of last week it was loose, but still wearable. I'm thinking of taking it to the SSC so you know that by the time I get there it won't fit anymore. That is how ESTOFWIBI is! Pure evil. All my other clothes fit normal though.

I'll see Todd and Suzy in 8 days now. Todd can't get me. I've been good. 3 months and no slip ups. Avoiding discipline has been motivational. Mainly though it was the accountability that has kept me going. I have to think about it and have people expecting things from me. It has definitely helped me. I better be getting a good girl spanking out of this!

Pre-Party Anxiety

As excited about the upcoming spanking party as I am - my excitement seems to get overshadowed by pre-party anxiety. It's starting to hit me big time. All my doubts, fears, and what-if scenarios with the worst possible outcome are dancing through my mind.

I'm really excited about seeing some friend I haven't seen in quite a while and of course disappointed that other friends aren't going to be able to make it. I know I am going to have a great time and I've been trying to get myself mentally prepared and in the mood by being my usual helpful self and pointing out certain things that friends of mine need spanked for. They'll thank me later I'm sure.

Even though I'm definitely excited and looking forward to this trip, for some reason my anxiety gets intertwined with the excitement. I have myself convinced that no one will want to spank me and if they do it'll only be to be polite and not because they really want to. Heck, with all those cute girls around (some even spanking models) why would anyone want to spank me? Logically I know that these are my friends and they like me for myself and I have lots to offer, but that part of my mind gets totally overshadowed by the negative side. This is the side of my mind that is shouting out: "You haven't lost enough weight." "You are hideous and no one will want to spank you." "No one likes you." "You aren't worth attention." Anything negative and you can bet it's screaming in my head.

As the time to leave gets closer the nerves and anxiety and self-doubt always grow stronger. I really hate the last few days before I leave for a party. Once I get there I'm fine and it all goes away, but I torture myself right up to the last moment. It would be so much easier if I could just have the excitement without the negative stuff, but nope, I seem to have to beat myself up and work myself into a near hysterical frenzy first.

Panties

Spankings soon for me, maybe. I can't believe I leave for my Tennessee trip in 11 days. I've been going through clothes trying to figure out what I'll bring - I'd like to just bring my smallest suitcase. (This time I'll make sure I have clothes in my carry-on since last time they lost my luggage - both ways!) This process also necessitates carefully going through my panty drawer and deciding what panties I want to bring. Thank goodness I still have over a week to make my final decisions!

I usually end up bringing way more than what I could possibly wear, but a girl has to have a selection! Plus, I'm shaped funny and some panties just end up not being comfortable on me. This has always been the case, even when I'm at a more ideal weight. As much as I'd love to blame everything on the weight issue I can't blame this one on it. There are so many super cute styles of panties that I simply can't wear. *sobs* Of course, you never really know until after you wear them for a while and panties aren't returnable, so you buy a cute pair of panties (which aren't cheap) and are stuck with them if they don't fit right.

For me, panties have to well clear the top of my hips. I don't have straight hips, they're curvy no matter how thin I am plus I'm high-waisted. If the panties don't go up high enough then they end up rolling down which is FREAKING ANNOYING and uncomfortable. It also isn't very lady-like to be constantly hitching at your panties in order to try and tug them back up. Of course I never know a pair of panties is going to do this until I've been wearing them for a bit. I'll think, "Oh I think these ones are going to be fine" and then an hour later they're doing the annoying rolling thing and pissing me off.

Panties that I know fit and are comfortable are the French-cut panties. Most of the time boy-shorts (which I think are adorable) just ride too low for me. Any sort of hipster style panty (also incredibly cute) is also out. The bikini style panty is another that sits too low for me. This is enough to make a girl cry. So many cute panties and I can't wear most of them.

Then among the selection that I can wear I have to weed out the granny looking ones and this doesn't leave me much to work with. So, I end up bringing a bunch of different panties on these trips so I can change if the panties get to be annoying. Plus, I just like having a selection of colours, fabrics and styles and of course I might want to change a couple of times a day too -- I never know what mood I might be in. Anyhow, a lot of thought can go into panty selection so I have to make sure I bring enough. I usually end up bringing some that I know I'll never get the nerve to wear (too sheer), but I think are incredibly cute and can't bear NOT to bring them.

I just hope my luggage makes it this time so I have all my panties and don't have to head off to Walmart to buy cheap boring ones like I had to last time I went. I may have a meltdown in the airport if that happens again this year!

Spanking Dreams

You'd think a spanking dream would be nice, but apparently not in my house!

I went to bed last night with my stomach hurting. Tummy aches seem to lead to nightmares for some odd reason. So I had a spanking nightmare last night.

I dreamt I was going to the SSC, in fact I'd already left and was there. The place was way different looking than the actual SSC venue and most of the people were strangers to me (which also won't be the case in real life). Oh...people were also walking around in skimpy outfits with their asses hanging out and stuff. Basically it was the scene my imagination came up with when I first tried to picture what a spanking party would be like. My vision was more akin to some sort of hedonistic spanking orgy than reality. Anyhow, that's how the spanking party was portrayed in my dream.

As if that wasn't bad enough, my father showed up! Now he wasn't intentionally trying to come to a spanking party he came looking for me for some reason. I kept thinking in the dream, "I didn't even tell him I was going anywhere so how they heck did he find me? (in another country, no less!)". So now I had my Dad wandering around this place and I kept just trying to pretend that nothing was going on!

People were running around half naked being chased by spankers and I was trying to just pretend none of it was happening and I kept worrying that I'd go into a room to get spanked and my dad would be in there spanking someone.

I was up and down all last night. I probably woke up about 8 times or so and every time I'd go right back into this stupid dream loop. Why couldn't I have a nice dream where my vision of the Vampire Viking Eric Northman was spanking me or something!? (my Eric Northman is much more brawny than the TV version - although I do like him too I just like MY vision better.) Nope, lucky me got to try and avoid my father at a spanking party!!

Well, I'm tired today since I slept like crap last night. My plan is to get to bed early, but really, what are the chances of that happening??

Misrepresentation in the Spanking Scene

One thing that really bugs me is liars. I don't mean silly little online fibs like using a screen name or misrepresenting your location - people can have very good reasons (like safety or privacy) for not divulging that information right away or slightly changing it for anonymity. I'm thinking more on the lines of lying about spanking experience to prospective partners. There does seem to be an element out there that flat out lies about their experience and even their intentions of meeting.

If people aren't comfortable meeting up, I say that's fine, not everyone is. If your fantasy spanking life begins and ends with your computer screen, that's fine too. Not every fantasy has to be (or can be) realized in real life -- at least be honest about it though, don't string people along. Even though I've met a big majority of my online friends in person (and that took years to achieve), I tend to shy away from people who start talking about meeting too soon. I'm not out for a casual spanking. I want to be friends with the people who spank me. I'm not just a bottom put on the earth for someone to smack. I'm notoriously skittish when the pressure comes out about meeting. Heck, I even get nervous if someone contacts me who lives "too close" because I fear that pressure. I do try to be honest about it, although sometimes it seems that it goes in one ear and out the other. This is just to say that I'm not perfect on the whole interaction scene either and I'm not trying to set myself up as the paragon of spanking hookup virtue or even an expert on spanking hookups. My experience has always been in safe groups with lots of friends.

Now that that's out of the way, I'm going to delve right into a total hearsay example -- I'll admit that I haven't met the person in question and have no desire to start talking to him. I have a friend, we'll call her C (for cute girl) who was contacted by a local guy F (Fraud). They talked for a long time. He was totally up-front about not having any spanking experience (good for him!) and she was more than fine with that and willing to mentor him, after all, she considered him a friend.

F is a bit younger than C and has a tendency to whine. For ages he was constantly whining to her about how she basically HAD to let him spank her just because she was local and he needed the experience. He'd pester her constantly about it. C obviously has more patience than I do, because I'd have put him on ignore. (I'm nice like that). C says that despite the whining tendency, he was actually pretty good at saying the right things in chat or on the phone - he could pull off the Toppy demeanour on those media.

They finally met up for an in-person meeting for coffee and chatting with the possibility of any play NOT on the table - it was simply a meet and greet, no pressure. Things seemed fine, although F seemed to have a problem with the boundaries C had set with regard to severity, implements used, etc. etc. as F seemed to think that if and when a spanking took place he should have free reign to whale away as he saw fit.

C even provided him with some implements to help get his collection started out. These weren't anything harsh or severe - most were quite wimpy which was why she was willing to part with them, but hey, a wimpy implement is better than no implement (especially when he can't afford to buy any)!

After months of chatting and several meetings, all of a sudden F was avoiding any commitment to actually meeting for a spanking. He always claimed it wasn't looks that mattered but friendship and emotional connection. C, by the way, is very cute and extremely spankable although F does have a preference for larger girls and C is quite petite. C didn't think F was an Adonis, but he was her friend and that was enough for her. With the history of him begging and whining about how she HAD to let him spank her, the abrupt shift in demeanour was a bit disconcerting. Finally, after weeks of avoiding the issue F finally told C that she wasn't "cute enough" for him! Obviously this was hurtful Then he went on forums (of which she was a member) and had the nerve to whine about how there weren't any spankees around he could spank. At the same time he still was texting and YIMing with her like she was his best bud and confidante. He still shares all his online spanking relationships with her.

Now, C being a Saint (in my opinion) didn't lambaste him (although the post was extremely hurtful to her). I'd have been really tempted to say something. She did start to watch more closely what he was saying on various sites. F had found another top to mentor him (which seems like it'd be a good thing), but this top (we'll call him S for slimy) was telling him to LIE and completely misrepresent himself.

Now F goes around presenting himself as an experienced Top and disciplinarian. He claims vast amounts of experience. He has even gone so far as to create a website advertising his services, replete with fake endorsements from fake spankees (I've seen it). He actually had the nerve to ask C if she'd write him a recommendation! There is even a page where he pictures all the implements C gave him and talks about his years of experience in using them.

F repeatedly starts online relationships with women only to end them when it comes time to actually meeting for the spanking. He gets the girls right to the point of almost leaving (and spending money to travel to where he is) before backing out at the last second with one lame excuse after another (usually at this point he severs the relationship with the spankee entirely). Remember, these girls are also expecting an experienced spanker and disciplinarian, which he isn't.

F presents himself as willing and able to travel (he has no job, money or a car), but he's never been out of his small area. He presents himself as a serious spanker and disciplinarian and tells people he is much more experienced than he is. There is nothing wrong with not having experience, everyone has to start somewhere. A large part of the spanking dynamic is about TRUST and how can someone expect women to tell him the truth about intimate parts of their lives that they are entrusting him to monitor and hold them accountable for, when his entire persona is a lie. C says he absolutely flips if he finds out one of the women lied to him about something, yet doesn't see the hypocrisy in that.

I personally find the whole situation (and others like it) alarming. If I put my trust in someone only to find out it had all been a lie, I'd be angry and incredibly hurt. Also, things like what you would let someone do or use can be influenced by their experience level - people could easily get physically hurt because F doesn't know what he's doing. Of course, he seems to avoid the actual spanking thing entirely so maybe it's a moot point. Even at that, people invest time and emotion into a relationship that is fraudulent.

Now, if your fantasy is to be this online disciplinarian God, then that's fine, but be up front that you aren't able to meet in person so that people know. Do not string them along like a meeting is imminent when you have no intention of following through. Do not lie about your experience level. Do not pretend to be an honest, stable, employed person when you can't keep a job because you can't be bothered to show up for work. Do not expect honesty from others when you are a big fat liar yourself. Do not play and toy with people for your own personal amusement.

Stuff like this totally annoys the crap out of me. Sure it isn't my business, but it still bothers me and makes me fearful for other women out there. It makes me fearful for myself and less prone to trusting people. It's stories like this that make me so happy that I don't seek out discipline and only play with people I know and trust and who have been vouched for by other people I know and trust. What can I say, I'm cautious about my own behind!

I don't think F is unique in the spanking scene. I wouldn't say he represents the majority either, thankfully, but there are more than enough frauds out there to go around. I think it's sad and scary. C says that he's for the most part, a nice guy, but badly misguided. I think he needs a kick in the ass and learn to develop his own common sense and principles. To me, if someone is that easily led into lying and misrepresenting himself, then he didn't have much of a moral core to begin with. Is this really someone who should be trying to coach and mentor others into better behaviour???

What can I say. I'm picky about things like honesty. This crap bugs me. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does and I can't help worrying about the people he hurts along the way, even though I'll never know them.

SSC - And I DON'T mean Safe, Sane and Consenual

In my world, when I hear the initials SSC my mind immediately jumps to "Southern
Spanking Conference". This is a private party that is hosted by some friends of mine. It is also the event at which I got my first ever adult spanking. The next party is in 3 weeks! (well I leave here in 3 weeks anyhow).

I got to thinking about the difference in the spanking me now compared to when I first went to the SSC. I attended in June of 2007 and although I knew most of the people attending from online, I'd never met any of them in person. Here I was flying thousands of miles to meet up with strangers and possibly get spanked. Thank goodness there had been 2 previous parties and so I knew all participants had returned alive and well from those. It's a hard thing travelling a long way to meet up with strangers especially when you are basically lying to everyone around you about why you are going and who you are meeting. That adds in an extra level of scariness.

I'm not a huge risk-taker and frankly sometimes I shock myself when I do these things - but to Tennessee I went. I was scared to death. The iggy at the 2007 party was quiet and hid in the "safe zone" (an area where spankers couldn't get you) and rarely ventured out of that zone during the first couple of days. Actually witnessing spanking was weird! It was so loud especially when there was lots of spanking going on at the same time. I have to say I was intimidated and really wondering what I had gotten myself into. I wasn't at all sure that this whole spanking thing was for me.

It definitely took me a while to relax a bit and after a while I found I wasn't quite so weirded-out by it all. It was definitely like walking into this strange land though. Thankfully everyone was real nice to me and didn't try to unduly freak me out (I was doing a great job of that on my own). In the end I had fun and I got spanked and was glad I went. I didn't have the big epiphany I was expecting where I'd just KNOW I was a total spanko. I should have known I wouldn't react like that. It's typical me. I have to slowly get used to things. I'm not ever the one who just goes leaping into things. I'm more of a dip my toe in to test the waters sort of girl. Just attending was HUGE for me.

Between then and now I've gone to two FMS Beach Parties. The first one I was pretty shy, but more open than I'd been at the SSC. The last FMS party I was really much more myself and much more comfortable. I think familiarity helps me with that. There were more faces I knew and I didn't feel like such an outsider or interloper. I had a blast and got spanked way more than I ever had before. I actually left that party (my third) finally thinking, "hey, you know what? I really MIGHT be a spanko after all!"

Now I'm heading in to my 2nd SSC party. I think the iggy at this party will be night and day different from the iggy at the first party. First I'll have already met (many of them several times) most of the people going so I'm going to be more comfortable right from the get-go. In the past, I've just started to hit my comfort zone as everything is wrapping up. I think I'll be comfortable right from the beginning this time. And when I'm comfortable, the more I let the real me show through. I'll never be the belle of the ball, centre-of-attention party girl, but I definitely have a cheeky side that comes out when I'm having fun and feeling comfortable in my surroundings. Somehow I don't think I'll be hiding in the safe-zone this time round. I fully expect I'll be having a blast. Plus, the SSC is much smaller than a big party -- which to me is much more comfortable. (Don't get me wrong, I had a blast at the FMS, but I mostly hung around with people I knew and was comfortable with.)

It honestly amazes me that I've come this far in just over 2 years. Sure to most people it isn't a lot, but to me it's the world of difference. I remember clearly how scary that first SSC was and how weird it all seemed to me. Even then it amazed me that by the end of it, I'd have conversations with people getting spanked and not think twice about it. It was just all fun.

I never thought I'd be a "party" person. I'm really private about stuff, but attending a small private function seemed like a really safe way to go about getting my first spanking. I think I made a good decision. I had always visualized parties as being basically orgies with half-naked people running around being spanked willy-nilly. Of course the reality was nothing of the sort. Believe you me, if *I* can go to a party and be comfortable and have fun, then anyone can. I am the most prudey-girl known to man!

Anyhow, I'm excited about this upcoming party and I can't wait to meet up with all my friends again. I think I'll be much better at this SSC and I fully plan on having a blast. I truly am astonished by how far I've come. Yay me.

Venting

Been going through some difficult stuff lately. My spanking desire right now is less than zero. I mainly go into my spanking sites just to keep that routine going because I know if I stop going, that going back later will be hard for me. I get that feeling of being a stranger and walking into a crowded room where everyone else is already familiar with the other people and I'm the outsider. So, I make sure to keep going (even though I may only go in the room, mark the threads read and leave again) - it at least keeps it as part of my routine. One site I go to has a participation requirement, so I make sure to post something somewhere every couple of days.

Someone I know died this week. I'm not quite sure how to classify my relationship with her. She wasn't quite a friend, but wasn't just a mere acquaintance either. In some ways she was like my mother figure in this town. I work with one of her children and was doing side work for her as well. She got diagnosed with cancer just before I left for the FMS. Up until then she had no symptoms at all. By the time she was symptomatic it was too late to do anything and in less than 90 days she was dead. She wasn't even 60 years old and the last several years of her life had been very stressful. This makes me so sad. She was a really nice woman.

I don't do death well. I don't handle it gracefully at all. I can't seem to shrug it off as a part of life. I like to live in denial of its existence. I don't want to go there myself. It scares the crap out of me. I'm sure a big part of this is because the logical part of me truly believes that once you are dead you rot in the ground and that is it - just a part of the cycle of life. I hope that in the end I'll be proven wrong on that, but I can't say I'm a believer.

So, I've been struggling with the whole death thing and at the same time dealing with my father having cancer. His prognosis isn't so grim - he had one surgery, then his 3 month checkup showed it back and so he's had another surgery and this time the biopsy results were sort of varied. First one said cancer, second one said it wasn't. So he's doing treatments for it. Things should be all right, I hope, but still it's difficult to come to grips with. Like I said, I'm just not good at these things. I've known people who thrive in dealing with this sort of thing - they do it gracefully, they provide comfort and support to others and seem to handle things so well. I am definitely not that person. Then I feel bad that I'm not better at handling these things and sort of beat myself up for it. It's an endless cycle.

I'm going to Tennessee in less than a month for a private party with some of my closest spanking friends. I hope I am feeling more in a spanking mood by then because right now I sure am not. To add to the stress, the friend I was supposed to be staying with is having some problems and now may not be able to attend or may be only able to attend one or two days. I'm not the kind of person who is okay with arriving in a town without having any firm place to stay. I used to work in hotels so I know that all it takes is one convention to book up every hotel in a huge area. I've had to turn away countless people and tell them there weren't any rooms in a 100 mile radius when they walked in looking for a room. I definitely do not relish the thought of being homeless on the streets of Knoxville. Because it's such a long trip there for me, I'm arriving a day early (in fact I arrive around 8 in the morning after a long journey beginning the afternoon before) and I'm not leaving til a day after everyone else because the flight out is so early that I'd have had to miss the Sunday stuff and leave early on Saturday as well which really seemed a waste when I'm coming in from so far away to attend. Of course hotel check-ins aren't until the afternoon and I'm going to be tired when I get there. So, I'm going to have to figure something out here.

I've been worried all along that circumstances were going to interfere with our plans, but I had turned down other accommodation offers earlier because I had told him I'd stay with him (and have been really looking forward to it). He's my very first spanker and still the only one who has spanked me bare. I have an emotional bond with him. I know this isn't fair of me to feel this way, but I do sort of feel like I'm flying thousands of miles and spending a lot of money to be there and I'm not getting the same effort in return. He has his own issues and so I know it isn't fair of me to feel that way, but I do anyhow.

I felt let down when he wouldn't attend the 2008 FMS Beach Party and I ended up spending a lot of money to change my airline ticket out of Tampa to a later date to accommodate him after the party was over. We had a really awesome time, but I do sort of feel (right or wrong) like I put more effort into being there than he did. Then he didn't make the 2009 party either and again I was disappointed. I'm not saying this was his fault, just saying how I feel. I feel let down and not important. I guess I'm entitled to my feelings since feelings aren't either right or wrong, they just are.

So, now I'm facing letdown again. I think I just need to go ahead and make alternate arrangements and then if he is able to come he'll have to work around my alternate plans rather than me trying to make plans around what may or may not happen with him even though it makes me feel guilty for doing that, like I'm letting him down. I can't say that makes me happy, but it is what it is. A lot of it is just a me thing. I like things to be planned and sorted in advance. I'm not really a "take things as they come" sort of girl - that is just way too much stress for me.

So hopefully I'll get my plans sorted out and things will start to improve. Perhaps I'll even get my spanking groove back in time for Tennessee and hopefully my hormones won't be too bad while I'm there. (cuz yes, even THAT is conspiring against me). *sigh*

A broken record

Sometimes I think I sound like a broken record. I go over the same spanking issues over and over in my mind and just when I think I've got things sorted out I have to pick at it and start wondering about it all over again.

I don't know if there is a spanko alive who questions their very spanko-ness more than I do. Most of the time it seems like I am convinced that I am not one - that I'm some vanilla pretender that is gate-crashing the spanking scene. For the most part, I see myself as pretty normal and everyday. I'm not way out there. I'm not weird, at least I don't see myself as weird. Somewhere in my mind I seem to equate being a spanko with being weird and "out there".

Lately, I've been slowly getting more comfortable in my spanko-skin. I'll much more readily admit to labelling myself as a spanko than I would before. I think it's exposure. As I go to more events, I seem to be a bit more comfortable at each outing. I have some really lovely spanko friends that I wouldn't want to give up for the world (sure, they are totally WEIRD and FREAKY and way out there...all right, I'm just kidding, they're surprisingly normal!) Their normalness seems to make it easier for me to identify as a spanko. Also their willingness to include me under that label helps a lot too. I'm not sure why I need external validation, but I seem to. The fact that there are spankers and spankees out there who accept me as I am really helps a lot.

I still think I'm not the same type of spanko as most of those out there (going to parties and stuff). I'm not a masochistic spankee in the least. I think I'm much more of a sensation spankee. When the pain starts to get to be too much I want to lash back because I get angry and the pain needs some sort of release that will make me feel better. I found in Florida, that I really wanted to kick the top when it started to get bad. Sanity prevailed and I didn't (well I kicked and deliberately missed), but it happened twice...once I ended up stomping the floor really hard to get a release. I'm not sure if I'd work past that urge or not and I'm not sure if it was entirely a physical reaction, a mental reaction or a combination of them both. I don't really have an overwhelming desire to be a pain slut who can take the hardest spanking. Sure I have my competitive side to me, but pain for pain's sake I don't understand.

Then again, I don't like my spanking headspace to be scary either. For me, it's all about the positive. It's the one real happy place I can go to.

Anyhow, the more spanking events I go to, the easier it seems to be for me. I'm sure that is in part because I know more people and don't just feel like a complete freak like I did at my first couple of parties - sure I had fun, but I still felt separate. I was convinced there was something wrong with me because every other spanko out there talks about how once they step foot into the scene they have this big awakening and can't do without it and their life has changed forever. I didn't have that. I had fun, sure, and was glad I went, but some things definitely weirded me out and I just didn't have the huge epiphany I was expecting. I guess being me, and being difficult, I didn't get that until my 3rd party. After the last FMS I actually DID come home thinking I really might be a spanko and dying inside about how long I'd have to wait until I could do it again.

I'm going to a smaller, private party in September in Tennessee and I can't wait. A lot of my most favourite spanking people will be there and I'm really looking forward to seeing them and spending time with them (as people, not necessarily as spankos). Of course I'm looking forward to the spanking too!

So for now, I sort of think I might be a spanko - perhaps my own version of what a spanko is and that will probably change over time too. Slowly, but surely I am easing into this spanko skin....until I start picking at that spot again and causing myself more doubt!

Flirting

I think flirting is an art form or some sort of skill. If there is a gene that controls flirting behaviour, I think I missed out.

I suck at flirting, both regular and spanko. Not only can't *I* do it, I don't even recognize it when it's being done to me. I'm the girl that is completely oblivious when someone likes her and if someone comes right out and tells me that so-and-so likes me, I never believe them. I'm not quite sure why I miss these cues, but I always have. I think a part of it is that I just don't think I'm all that likable so it comes as a shock if someone actually does have a thing for me. I'm always convinced they are just friends. Unfortunately the ones who usually actually DO like me are the ones I have no interest in liking in return. So maybe I'm just putting up blinkers to not deal with a situation I don't want to deal with. Of course this always backfires and the situation ends up crazy bad.

The same sort of thing applies with spanking flirting or banter. This I actually do notice happening -- it's hard not to when someone is stating they want to spank you. However, I never seem to be able to just go with the flow of things. Spankers have their little lines that work with most of the spankees. I know this and I'm fine with it. I'm not most spankees though. I'm difficult. I can't seem to just let certain things pass and go with the flow. I have to slam it down. I scare off lots of spankers online. A good example is that someone recently threatened me with a hairbrush. I don't like wood. I pretty much don't do wood. I don't have a swooning attraction to hairbrushes or the thought of hairbrushes being used on my bottom. I just think, "nope wouldn't like that - it's not doing it for me" and then I get stubborn about it and have to say so, usually something very tactful like, "hairbrushes suck and if you think you're going to use one on me I'll wallop you one." Of course this is usually the end of all correspondence. Besides being very tactful I can really ooze on the charm!

I'm not sure why I can't leave it alone and just play along. Maybe it is because in part I don't really get all thrilled by spanking threats from someone I don't know. It makes me uncomfortable. Spanking threats from someone I know and like are another thing entirely! I'm definitely a spankee who wants to be a person first and a bottom to swat later. I like people to start out with normal vanilla conversation before steering it into the spanking direction and find out a bit about what I like first. I know, I'm unreasonable.

It seems like every other person out there can engage in this activity and have fun with it except me. The second something gets brought up that I don't like, I make sure they KNOW I don't like it. So obviously, I'm just a huge hit with all the spankers out there! I'm sure I have a reputation as stuck-up, not fun or snotty.

This is probably why I can't do role play. I have my sense of self wrapped tightly around me and I never step out of myself and allow myself that freedom to just let go. I'm too tightly wound. I am always me with my likes and dislikes and I can be darn stubborn about stuff I don't like!

So anyhow, I suck at flirting and spanko-flirting. I always said I was difficult.

In my dark place (not spanking related)

Well that sporny feeling is totally gone and been replaced with that dark place that occasionally happens. I know exactly why it is, but I can't help how I feel.

My brother and his girlfriend just had their second baby. Ya, ya I know I'm SUPPOSED to be all happy and gushing and over-the-moon and all that crap, but I'm not. Chances are I'll rarely, if ever, see the kid. My brother lives at the other end of the country and I'm happy he does. He's not exactly a nice person and he and his girlfriend have actively tried to destroy my parents' marriage. Sure, I don't hold it against the kid (or the previous kid), but I don't really want to go visit them either. I can be in my brother's company for only so long (measured in hours) before a big fight is bound to occur. Usually it hits at the dinner table. I do my best to bite my tongue and not engage him in his shit, but he's relentless in poking and prodding and bugging until I do eventually blow up.

So, like I said, chances are this kid isn't really going to be a big part of my life, so why get excited or attached? The kid isn't even going to know me and I highly doubt I'm even mentioned in the household.

Yes, I realize I'm an awful person for feeling this way - but I do. Even worse, the kids just highlight the inadequacies in my own life -- how I haven't been able to find a partner or have kids; things everyone else in the world has no problem doing, it's only me who is entirely unloveable and overlooked.

I'm 42 now, so obviously this just ain't ever going to happen. I'm petty enough to just hurt when my friends and family members have their families, their lives, marriages and kids and I don't. I don't look at it and see joy for them, I look at it and see all MY failings. I never provided grandchildren - something any moron can do. In short, I'm a failure at life. I don't even have this stellar career that I can claim took the place of all that stuff. I don't.

Really I don't know why. Men pretty much just never asked me out. I was, and am, the invisible girl who everyone passed by. Unless I fling myself at people and make an idiot of myself I go unnoticed. I do have some dignity and I'm not big into playing these stupid games, so alone I'll be and most probably remain. Most of the time I'm resigned to that fact and try not to think on it.

It still hurts.

I beat myself up for feeling the way I do because obviously only the most incredibly selfish and evil person in the world would feel like this, but I do. I can't deny it. I'm unhappy at my brother's happiness. He doesn't deserve it.

What can I say? I'm petty.

I can't exactly talk this over with very many people and vent because it would hurt their feelings. Every time I hear my mother gush about baby pictures I also hear the accusation underneath: "Why didn't YOU provide me with this?" My mother won't be a big part of her grandchildren's lives because of my brother. The accusation is there, even if unspoken - "Why didn't YOU give me grandchildren I could see, hold and love."

This too shall pass, I'm sure and it'll be back to the same old, same old for me and the feelings will scab over and maybe not be quite so painful. Right now though, I hurt.

Sporny again

OH my god. I don't know if it is hormonal or what, but I'm so freaking sporny (my word for spanking-horny) that I could just die!

How bloody long is it til Sept 25???

I should probably be spanked for signing on to fetlife from work too. I don't usually go to kinky sites while I'm at work, but I blame the sporniness!!


Just sharing my misery.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Self Spanking

I'm not sure why this topic has been popping around in my head the last couple of weeks, but it keeps cropping up in my thoughts. It's an odd thing because I don't self spank. I won't say I've never done it because I have when I was newer to the online spanking world and still trying to figure out what it was I really wanted and desperately trying to find an online top. Ultimately my endeavours in that direction were negative - not because directed self-spanking itself is bad or negative, but because the Top in question and I weren't compatible on many many levels. Ultimately, I don't think I'm all that submissive. Pleasing someone else at the expense of what I want isn't what does it for me. I want what I want when I want it, if not sooner.

I can definitely see how guided self-spanking could be effective for those who truly desire a discipline type of relationship. Spanking is so much about headspace after all. If you can have an online or phone relationship with someone and they can get into your head I don't see why self-spanking couldn't be an effective tool in that relationship.

Face it, there are many people out there who, for whatever reason, won't get to have palm-to-butt meetings with a physical partner or the length of time between physical meetings is a long one. There are a myriad of reasons why. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there for who a self-spanking relationship is the closest thing they'll ever get to the real thing. Is that bad? I think not. Not everyone has the luxury to be with a partner who is also into spanking. Heck, not everyone even has a partner and not everyone lives in places where it is easy to find one. Everyone's situation is different and if people want to embrace the spanking kink in many different ways, then more power to them.

It seems like when the topic of self spanking comes up on forums and such that the comments don't make it easy for someone to say "I self spank and think it's great". Usually there are comments about how the poster thinks it is stupid and silly. I don't actually think the posters mean to denigrate those who self-spank, but I think that tone often comes across. Who wants to post about their wonderful online Top and how self-spanking has been good for them after 30 comments about how dumb, silly and "not real" it all is. So then self-spanking becomes a dirty little secret that no one wants to admit to. Yet I know that lots of people do it!

I don't think I've even seen someone who self-spanks claim it is better than someone else spanking them. For many I'm sure it's just better than nothing at all. It's easy for someone who gets spanked regularly to say "I'd rather not get spanked at all than self-spank". For many that might actually be true - I think it all depends on what you are hoping to get out of the relationship and for lots of people guided self-spanking is better than no spanking at all. Many of the key elements are provided when doing it with someone else online guiding it...a headspace and tone can be created. Sure the physical presence isn't there and that is a big thing, but people do what they gotta do with the situation they find themselves in.

I know there was a point in time where I thought that that was the closest I'd ever come to a real spanking. It turned out I was wrong on that count and the things I look for in a spanking don't really lend themselves well to a self-spanking scenario. But I'm weird and more of a fun-spanking type of girl (or erotic if I ever found the right someone) than a submissive discipline type of girl. Sure, I may venture onto the submissive-discipline side of the fence from time to time, but the core of what excites me about spanking isn't about that.

I do occasionally bring out my implements and test them on myself. Not in any serious way, but sometimes it just makes me feel more connected to things and I'm sure my implements get lonely in that closet all by themselves! I probably should have done some self-spanking in the lead-up to the FMS. Maybe I wouldn't have gotten bruised so badly if I had.

Anyhow I think self-spanking sometimes gets a bad rap in sort of a snobbish way. I personally thinks its great that people explore their spanking interests in any way they find that works for them.

Curiosity

Is there a spankee alive who isn't hit with the curiousity-bug?

I tend to be curious by nature, but at the same time I'm also super cautious and tend to think things through way too much. Sometimes the latter is a bad thing because I can slam up walls against things without giving it a fair shot. I get this idea in my head that I am not willing to try something and that is that and it can take a monumental effort to budge me from my position. I'm stubborn.

At the same time, I'm curious about so many different things. In the spanking world it might be things like implements, or what going to a spanking party would be like, or actually getting spanked. It took me years to actually get spanked. When I started participating in online forums I never even imagined I would one day meet any of these people, let alone actually get spanked. I joined out of my curiosity. One site I joined for about 5 seconds (the time it took for someone to send me a message) before quitting and then rejoining it several months later. It's a process with me - the battle between curiosity and fear.

Along the way I made friends and they went to events and I listened and read the reports and noted that everyone came back without being murdered and had fun! At first I didn't want to go. It sounded WEIRD! Then of course curiosity kicked in. By the time two meets had happened I felt like I'd die if I couldn't go too. I justified it by rationalizing that it was a safe environment to get my first spanking. It was a kill two birds with one stone sort of thing...meet friends, get spanked and find out exactly how weird these "weird spanking people" I call friends actually were!

And let me tell you, my "weird spanking friends" are awesome! I've made 3 trips now and every trip I get a bit bolder and try different things. The first trip I tried the crop which was something I had built up in my head as a horrific implement and was on my "no way, not ever" list. Then it turned out to be no big deal (just the leather part). Last time was the prison strap (albeit lightly - it's not like I lose ALL sense of caution! A wild woman I ain't!) - but of course I was fascinated by that thing from the get-go, just too scared to try it cuz it can be SEVERE. There aren't many people I'd trust enough to use it on me either.

Lately I find myself ruminating on another implement on my "no way, not ever" list. The cane. Actually I have been tapped with it exceedingly gently before as a part of a "just so you can say you did it" sort of thing. By gently I mean it didn't even come close to hurting in the slightest. Even then, I was scared stiff of it.

So I've been cruising cane sites which has cured me for a little bit after seeing a picture of a woman with her breasts nailed to a table and her chest covered in bloody cane marks. Not quite what I was expecting to see and definitely not my thing. Eeeeeek. But you know how curiosity goes, you keep coming back for one more peak despite that fear....

FMS Day 1 - Part 2

Poor Siege was trying to track down his wife and looked pretty annoyed when he discovered her cell phone was turned off. You should have seen his face when he noticed her cell phone on the desk! Munchkin and I helpfully pointed out how naughty she was. We're just helpful like that.

Meanwhile Zed called trying to find out if the hotel restaurant was still open as he was trying to track down some food (I guess he missed the food at the Vendor's Fair too). Siege phoned down to the desk and was told "yes" when he asked if the restaurant was open and he passed this message on to Zed. What they failed to mention when he phoned down, was that the restaurant was closing in 5 minutes! Poor Zed hurried over to the restaurant dreaming of hot food only to find it closed! So back to the room he came. He'd have to wait for pizza at midnight.

The guys stewed about their missing-in-action wives with Munchkin and I, again helpfully, pointing out all the various ways they were being naughty. Ginger's cell phone was still in the room too.

We just sat around chatting and eventually those wayward girls returned! I kindly warned them how they were in trouble (didn't want it to come to a shock to the poor dears). Ginger immediately sprang into her legal defence. I think poor Zed was just too famished and befuddled to spank her so she got away with it! Tsk, tsk, tsk. S4E, however, got a spanking! Of course Siege uses any ole lame excuse to spank.

The room filled up with friends and ginger made us girls Italian Margaritas (I think that's what they were called) which were quite yummy. The guys tried to be all manly with their beers, but I know they were secretly admiring our frosty yummy drinks and wishing they could be man-enough to have girly-drinks!

Zed gave me a very nice spanking in private. I was brave this year and went down to panties. He always checks with people to see how hard I'm playing this year and if I've gone up any on the wimp scale before he starts. He's sweet that way. Zed just gives really nice hand-spankings and I look forward to it every time I see him.

Ginger finally got a long overdue spanking from Rich. They see each other several times a year, but don't always get around to actual spanking. Surprisingly enough, it's really easy to not get spanked by someone you spend time with at a spanking party. There is so much vanilla chat and fun and other spanky stuff going on that it's easy to just not get around to it.

Eventually Zed brought out the prison strap and I took a birthday spanking with it (in front of everyone in the room - granted it was only around 10 people who I mostly knew pretty well, but still that's a huge step for me and sometimes I just surprise myself). I already blogged about this spanking so I won't go into huge detail on it again.

Other people took their turns with the prison strap (it's always a crowd favourite) and lots more spankings and birthday spankings ensued. It seemed like everyone was taking a birthday spanking for someone. Of course, everyone else took it much harder than I did.

Then Zed brought out a new acquisition that they had purchased on the way down to the FMS - a cricket bat! This thing was huge! Ginger gamely proffered her butt up for Rich (a Brit) to do the honours with the cricket bat. It was pretty funny and she's definitely braver than me as I wouldn't let that thing anywhere near my bottom!

Soon it was nearing midnight so we headed up to the Penthouse Suite for the pizza party. It was crowded! We sort of hung out in the hall area where there was more room and air as the suite itself was packed - the suites are large, but cram 100 or so people in there and it's wall-to-wall bodies. We managed to snag some pizza when it arrived and have a bit to eat. Mine was pretty good. I had to be careful to know what exactly was on it as I have some food allergies (most notably a severe fish and seafood allergy which really sucks in Tampa where there is a plethora of really yummy seafood). Mostly we just hung around chatting with people and a few of the girls got asked if they wanted a spanking and off they went.

I find the penthouse suite to be really overwhelming. There are just so many people crammed in together and it's loud and I have trouble focusing and tend to position myself at the edge of things sort of hidden somewhere. I much prefer it when everyone is in a bigger room (like the conference rooms) or in smaller groups. It's just more manageable for me. I was happy that a lot of the stuff that had been done in the penthouse suite last year (like the ice breaker game, court, etc.) were done in the bigger conference rooms this year. That was much more enjoyable for me.

Eventually a bunch of us gravitated back to Todd & Suzy's room and of course the Spankopoly game was soon in action. I was on my best behaviour, however this is important: TODD CHEATS AT SPANKOPOLY. You have to totally watch him. He doesn't pay out money to bottoms who should get it and he tries to spank when a spanking hasn't been earned! Why he tried to spank one poor bottom (I think it was Jean) for her landing on a property SHE OWNED HERSELF! I kept catching him at it, and thus ended up on his hit list! Hmph.

Honestly, at first I didn't realize Todd was cheating on purpose and when I said something to point out the error, I actually was just pointing out who owned the property or who needed money paid to them. After repeated glares and "I"m going to get you"s I soon learned he was doing it on purpose! Then of course I delighted in catching him at it. Don't Tops set a good example?? At the FMS I learned that cheating is totally OK!!

For some odd reason Todd was gunning for my bottom. Siege too, for that matter. I have no clue as to why. I'm sure repeated cockroach stories had nothing to do with raising Siege's desire to wallop me. I'm just an innocent bottom and they were picking on me!

I got a few spankopoly spankings and we had a lot of fun with the game. Later on Suzy told Todd he should give me a taste of this method of spanking that he does. She assured me I'd like it. He agreed. It was really neat. He spanks repeatedly in the same spot, but he starts out with barely perceptible spanks and does them in a series in the same spot. Then he shifts the spot where he spanks. Very gradually the swats get harder. It was really nice. I was so relaxed by the end of it. I'm sure it could get pretty stingy too if it got elevated enough. I'm probably not doing the description of the spanking justice, but believe me, it was a great spanking!

Eventually everyone headed back to their rooms to try and get some sleep. I think it was after 4 am at this point. I had just gotten into my pyjamas and settled into bed with my book when Suzy called. "Come down to the pool" she said. So off I went in my pyjamas. Suzy, Jean and I sat around with our feet in the water and giggled and chatted for a couple of hours. We had a lot of fun. At one point, a couple on the second floor came out with all their luggage. Suzy was convinced they were leaving because of her. I tried to assure her they probably just had an early flight and since security hadn't been by to give us a "talking to" we were fine. It wasn't like we were hooting and hollering and carrying on or anything.

Suzy decided she was going to be first in line for when the pool actually opened at 7. She was going to be there in her bathing suit, with her chosen floaty pool toy and just standing there ready to jump in the pool at 7am. This just struck us as really funny and we laughed about it like crazy. Sadly, we only made it to 6:30 am before deciding we really should try and get some sleep.

So I headed back to my room, said "good morning" to the few staff members I encountered on my way back to my room and hit my bed for a bit of sleep. I was up by 9:30 and got ready to face Saturday.

"I don't mean to be rude..."

It seems to me that anyone who starts a post or a comment with the words "I don't want to be rude..." means to be just that. If they didnt, it wouldn't occur to them to use a disclaimer and yet they plunge on and say whatever rude thing they were going to say anyhow, knowing full-well that what they are about to say is going to be hurtful. Somehow they seem to think they covered themselves of any blame with their disclaimer like this is supposed to absolve them of any responsibility or blame of any consequences or hurt feelings from their words.

I mean honestly, if you think a comment you are going to make is going to be taken as rude or insulting, then why say it in the first place? Why are people mean? Why post a comment that is only going to be hurtful.

I realize that the very nature of the internet invites comment and criticism of anything you post. To a certain extent people expect comments and want the comments, attention and feedback - they are trying to participate in a social circle and contribute.

I've always been a bit leery of the concept that if you put a photo out there then you are inviting any and all criticism, no matter how harsh it can be. How many of these same people who post on someone's picture a comment like: "man you are ugly, would actually walk up to that same person and do it face-to-face? The comments aren't any less hurtful in either scenario.

I know I'm notoriously thin skinned and take things far too personally. I just don't see the point in making negative comments about people's pictures. It's pretty hard NOT to take something personally when it's a personal photograph of yourself. And why the need to make the comment in the first place? If you don't like a picture, move on. No need to embarass the person posting it. In the same vein, I think it's equally as obnoxious to put lewd comments on some stranger's photos. For example: Putting a comment like "I'd like to stuff my cock in that mouth" to a perfect stranger's photo of themself is, for most people, sort of icky. Do people think the person who posted the photo is flattered? Do they think the girl in the photo is going to all of a sudden see the light and declare "OMG I want you sooooo bad just because of that lewd comment you left on my photo!" I'd wager the majority aren't. Yet these comments abound.

I run across plenty of photos in my travels that I find cringe-worthy. Fine, it's not my thing and/or is too severe for my tastes - so I move on without comment as do the vast majority of people. I don't go to the photo and say, "OMG How disgusting!" because that would just be rude. And saying "I don't mean to be rude, but OMG HOW disgusting!" isn't any better!

I know all this and this is why I shy away from posting pictures. I have severe body image problems and self-doubt. Deep down, I think I'm hideous and don't want to subject others to the horror that is me. I can't help it, but quite often that is what I'm battling. I feel bad for people who have spanked me at parties because they didn't get a more attractive person/bottom to work with. I seriously am trying to work through this, but it's a hard thing to get past and there's a part of me that really thinks that anyone who has spanked me just did it to be nice and not because they really wanted to. I'm not saying I think it is true, just that part of me persists in thinking that.

So anyhow, I had started a discussion on a forum I go to (which is a closed site that requires membership approval) about the state of my poor bottom after the FMS. Because I actually think people don't really get how easily and badly I bruise at nothing, I posted a picture showing how bad I actually was bruised so they could get an idea. I certainly didn't think the picture was sexy or anything, it was definitely more clinical.

I don't think the bruises are hot or anything either. I actually am not a big fan of bad marking. However, I also realize that I AM going to bruise and I'm going to bruise a lot easier and worse than the majority of people. I have a very fair complexion that doesn't tan at all and I just bruise at nothing. I'm sure some of it is that the bruises just show easier on my skin and some of it is that I just plain bruise easily. I personally like pink to red bottoms and anything worse is going out of my comfort zone to look at. It's an odd dichotomy because I go past that stage too quickly so I go knowing my own bottom will look worse than what I personally like to see on someone else's bottom - if I tried to set that as a limit, I'd be an unspanked girl and I'm realisitic. That doesn't mean I don't deserve to get some whining mileage out of the state of my butt.

Now the comments on the thread were all supportive. Someone asked me to put the photo in the members bottoms gallery and I agreed and put it there. Then someone came along with the "I don't mean to be rude..." and blew me out of the water. The rest of the statement was "but there is nothing appealing about this photo". Now it's entirely possible the person was referring to only the bruising and not making a general comment about my unappealing butt, but it doesn't say that...just that the whole entire thing is unappealing.

Yes, I'm a baby and overly sensitive, but the comment made me cry and so I deleted the picture. That's the thing, there are real people with real feelings (and some of those people are sensitive and already feeling poorly about themselves) behind those pictures. I know I should shrug off the comment and not let it bother me, but I can't help feeling the hurt and all the self-doubts come back.

I took the picture down and I'd definitely think twice, three times and more before posting another one.

FMS - Friday: It officially begins (part 1)

Friday was the official start of the FMS, but loads of people were already there. Registration wasn't until 3 so I had some time to kill before then.

My phone went off around 9 when someone sent me a text message. I ignored it for about 20 minutes or so before getting up and getting ready for the day. The message was from munchkin who was letting me know she was going to the hot tub. The poor girl gets a really sore bottom (non-spanking related) and so she was using a tens-unit and the hot tub (not at the same time!) to relieve it. By the time I messaged her back, she was back in her room. Rich was still passed out from the night before.

I think we ended up just wandering around the hotel for a bit before heading back to the pool area. There were lots of spankos around and we immediately headed over to a spot of shade (well it was more me looking for shade because in spite of the half a bottle of SPF 60 I sprayed all over myself, I can still burn easily) and interrupted Rad reading quietly. We all chatted about books and stuff for a while. I can't even remember if we talked spanking or not. One of the great thing about these parties is that there is so much vanilla friendship and socializing mixed in with the spanking. Goodness knows I don't want people looking at me as ONLY a bottom to spank and I'd never eye a Top just for spanking. I like friendship thrown into the mix, I'm funny that way. Luckily, the FMS spankos are a friendly bunch.

We stayed at the pool area for a while and then I am pretty sure we headed off to get something to eat. The hotel restaurant was almost always a good location to spot fellow spankos. There were lots of faces we recognized even if we didn't have names to put to them. Neither of us tend to walk up to groups of strangers and just join in, so we just people watched. After eating we headed up to my room to sprawl out in the air conditioned room and just chat a bit. My tummy started to act up. I'm not sure why I get that when I travel, but it's rather inconvenient at a spanking party! Munchkin headed back to her room (probably to get Rich up, I really can't remember if he was even up yet). I wandered aimlessly around just enjoying the scenery and anticipating the arrival of Siege and S4E and Zed and Ginger who were due to make it in that afternoon. I also managed to lock myself out of my room! Duh. So off I went to prove my identity (wallet in room and not on me) and get re-admitted to my room.

Soon it was registration time so I decided to head down to the lobby and see who was there. Once there I picked a nice comfy seat and just watched people. I hat a big fit of shyness and outright fear and was scared to actually register and make it all REAL. So I hung out and watched other people take the plunge and chatted with a few people. Eventually Magus noticed I wasn't registering and brushed off my "the line is too long" excuse by pointing out that people who had already been to a FMS party could go in the short line and he dragged me up there and forced me to register. Hmph. Tops.

After I got my welcome package I took a quick look through it and put together my name badge and filled it out and eyed the cute ruler that had "FMS" and "Behave" engraved on it. I determined I definitely wasn't going to do anything so dull as behave and tossed the ruler back in the cute FMS bag. Magus asked me if I'd like to play and I actually said YES. I know...shocking. That was a first for me.

I have known Magus slightly for the last couple of years from Myspace where he has a nice, albeit infrequently, updated blog and I had met him last year at the FMS so it wasn't like I was heading off with a complete stranger. From everything I've read or heard, he's known pretty much as a real sweetie so I definitely wasn't concerned about wandering off with him.

He said some sort of cute toppy thing to me and dragged me off to my doom. Once in his room we chatted for a couple of minutes and I made sure to remind him that I was 1. wimpy and 2. don't get spanked regularly.

I hadn't really been anticipating running off to get a spanking so soon in the day. I had sort of figured it would happen after/during the Vendor Fair so I hadn't had another shower (Florida is a multiple shower a day state) yet and I was convinced I was all sweaty and smelly - not to mention my tummy was being irritable. Despite these issues swirling through my brain I thoroughly enjoyed the spanking.

I have to admit I have no clue what he said to me during it...I'm sure he made appropriately toppy remarks. The spanking was a hand spanking that proceeded over clothes to over panties. In the end I chickened out about going down to bare and made him spank me just over panties...well he moved the panties up a bit to get to some skin. Hopefully he wasn't too disappointed.

The spanking was lovely. He gives a really nice solid hand spanking that isn't too stingy or too thuddy. I really enjoyed it. I think I was fairly quiet through it, but I'm not 100% sure. Part of my brain was yelling inside my head "I can't believe you are doing this" over and over and over again! Magus is a total sweetheart and I'd totally play with him again.

Then there were the obligatory hugs and back down to the lobby we went. Munchkin and Rich were just getting to the lobby to register and I gave her the secret, "I just got spanked" brat signal and a big grin. They got registered and then we headed over to the restaurant so Rich could get something to eat. Rich ran into lots of people he knew as the place was packed full of spankos. I was a bit overwhelmed by everyone and had no clue who anyone was. Rich says he suffers from social anxiety (and I believe him), but you sure can't tell when you watch him in action. He is very sociable and seems so at ease around people and open and friendly.

After Rich ate and socialized I am pretty sure we hung out with Todd and Suzy again. Zed and Ginger still hadn't arrived...perhaps Zed had taken a "shortcut", but they were texting munchkin fairly regularly with their progress. Finally they arrived, but I don't think I actually saw them until the Vendor's Fair.

Eventually I headed back up to my room to have a quick shower and change clothes and then head to the Vendor's Fair. I'm pretty sure I headed down with munchkin and Rich. We got there a bit late and there were some sort of speeches just ending as we arrived. Somehow, for the second year in a row, I entirely missed the food served at this event. I don't even know what food was there. I guess I'm just nervous and not hungry, but I am not even sure where it was set up!

As soon as I spotted Zed & Ginger and Siege & S4E I headed right over to greet them. They are all wonderful people and it's good to see them. I miss them and wish I could get together more often.

I stopped to chat with Amber Grey for a bit who was at a vendor table selling her new paddles, sassy paddles. I felt sort of bad chatting with her while she was working and since her paddles are wood, I wasn't buying, but I am glad I did because that was my last chance to see her and chat. She's a busy girl.

I walked around looking at the stuff for sale and eventually bought a London Tanner's Boudoir Paddle. I got the least thuddy one on the table. My friend RE has one that I hate, but I like mine and I always like to get new implements, even if they don't get used. I'm a bit of an implementaholic.

At some point, during the fair, they started the ice breaker game. Basically people were given a sheet that listed all the US states and they had to get people to sign their sheet who had lived in each state - and of course to get the signature there was the requirement of a spanking (giving or getting depending on orientation). Of course Canada wasn't listed on the sheet. I didn't actually grab a sheet to play, but I did let people swat me if they thought to write in Canada on their sheet - if they didn't think of it, I wasn't going to mention it! Heck, I'd have let people swat me if they had just asked if they could anyhow, but if they didn't think of it themselves....

I think the poor vendors might have gotten forgotten while this was going on. There was a whole lot of cheating going on too with people signing for states they had only travelled through. We had fun filling in Suzy's sheet with funny things for the states she didn't have signatures for. She was a good girl and didn't turn the sheet in though.

There was so much laughter and it was such a fun atmosphere. S4E left early and left Siege in charge of me and munchkin. He took this job seriously. I'm not sure what he thought we'd get up to, but munchkin managed to slip past his guard and get to the washroom without him noticing!

Eventually we decided to leave the Vendor's Fair and head back up to the room and attempt to regroup with everyone. Zed had wandered off to find something to eat and Ginger and S4E were missing and had left their cell phones behing in the room! What naughty girls!!